“Hey Shrink, my girlfriend is always nagging me about all kinds of stuff – why do women do this – it’s a real downer?”
SM – Kelowna, BC
Well that’s because she’s doing her best to make you a better man. Women have this thing whereby they see it as one of their missions in life to leave a man better off then when they found him, and certainly in better shape for the next girl. So look at it this way; your girlfriend’s ‘nagging’ is all about making you more attractive to her and ‘other women.’ Now, that’s not such a bad thing is it? It’s like having your own life coach, stylist, dresser, manager, and agent in life. Sure, her attempts to mould you are aggravating and perhaps unwelcome – but if you look through them you’ll see that she’s actually out to make you shinier – and that my friend is a gift of love. So man-up and listen and learn from what’s she saying to you.
“Hey Dale, I’ve been cheating on my wife for the last 4 years. Not in person mind you – but online. I love meeting women and talking with them through MSN – at any one time I can be talking with 4 or 5 of them – am I screwed up?"
CB – Toronto, Ont.
No. You’re not screwed up. Insensitive, deceitful, shallow, perhaps even narcissistic maybe – but not screwed up. It’s actually the wrong question to be asking. The better question would be “How come I’m spending all this time talking to women I can’t see or touch while I’ve been married for 4 years?” You see life is not about finding answers it’s about asking the right questions to uncover who you are and how you function. The more specific the question, the more information you uncover and the more aware you are of the unconscious behaviours and patterns that run your life. Your question can only be answered with a simple yes or no, whereas my question would cause you to consider your behaviors and discover the underlying motivations for your acting out. I suspect that once you begin asking yourself some tough, radically honest questions, you’ll likely find something you buried a long time ago.
“Hey Dale, I’ve been with my current girlfriend for 6 years. We’ve been living together for the last 4 years and everything’s been cool up to the last few months. Suddenly, my girl who, told me she never wanted to have kids,(because of bad family history), now wants to have a child. I’m not sure that’s what I want – and I’m not sure how to even talk about it. I’m fine with things the way they are right now – why go and change something if it’s not broken, right?"
EG – Portland, Or
Wrong. If we were to follow your logic EG, then nothing would ever change and the universe would be locked in a state of paralysis. Change is natural in fact if we just look at you there’s nothing about you that is the same as it was even 5 years ago. That’s because every cell in our body regenerates and transforms completely about every five years. Ergo, you’re not the same man you were when the two of you met and she’s not the same woman. People change. This latest evolution presents you with the opportunity to have one of those defining moments in a relationship. Deciding to be parents should be a big conversation; one in which you and your girlfriend each get to open up and be vulnerable with each other – which in turn, deepens the emotional bond between the two of you thereby building more strength in your relationship. C’mon, man-up this could be a wake up call for the two of you and if you avoid talking to her about it – you’ll miss out on an opportunity to grow.
Til next week,
Dale
Dale Curd is Director of The Mens Program and a counselor in private practise. Check him out at www.DaleCurd.com.
Dale is the co-host of "Guy Talk" 10 pm (EST)Sunday nights on CFRB 1010 or www.CFRB.com.
